"I DON'T LIKE THAT MAN––I MUST GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER." - Abraham Lincoln
Wow, this might not be our first insight when we have a negative thought about someone else––which, by the way, might be an assumption we make after seeing just a bit of their behavior, generally out of context. Learning from Lincoln's sense of curiosity can help us to prevent making harmful assumptions, expand and deepen our relationships, and lead to surprising positive outcomes.
Lincoln had the ability to focus inward and notice his own thoughts as well as the bigger picture, a higher-level skill that requires great awareness and curiosity. Acclaimed Professor Ronald Heifetz of Harvard's Kennedy School calls this an essential skill for leaders: the ability to pay close attention to thoughts and patterns during interactions, as if standing "on the balcony," looking down at the interaction. Lincoln looked at the bigger interaction and also at his own inner reaction.
When someone says or does something, are you holding your breath? Are your eyes tense?
We might not have Lincoln's astute awareness, but our first clue that we might be making a negative judgment about a person or a situation might be physical––we might notice that we're holding our breath, or that our eyes feel tense, both automatic responses when we think negatively. To examine our thoughts and possible opinions requires asking ourselves, "What's going on for me?" and, "Hmm, what judgments am I making about what someone said or did?" Doing this may be a good idea for our health, too, as new brain science says that we can calm ourselves by simply identifying our feeling and a possible reason for it, such as with, "That comment seemed unfair to me, that's why I'm upset."
As far as negative judgments go, here's a possible example: Let's say that we're in a meeting and someone comes into our meeting about fifteen minutes late. Before sitting down, she sighs, and then plops her things down on the table before her. People noticing this at the meeting might experience her behavior differently. Here are some possible mental responses:
"What a Diva! She always likes to make grand entrances!"
"I'll bet she doesn't want to be here––she doesn't like what we're discussing today."
"Poor thing, she was probably caught in traffic. The freeway was backed up for miles."
Notice that one of the stories is kinder than the other two. And that all the judgments were made without much information. It's common to make judgments even when we know as little as 10% of the backstory. And, as it turns out, depending on the story we make up, we may feel more or less open to a suggestion our coworker makes later on.
If my thoughts were "What a Diva!" I might not be so supportive of a good idea she has later in the meeting, and I might not be aware that my opinion was tainted by the earlier story I made up out of the blue. (But, important to know, it's part of our nature to make up a story to explain another's behavior––we are compelled to make up a story as part of our fight-flight-freeze response, as we determine whether we're safe in a situation. We just can't help it. But we can train ourselves to be more aware of our inner thoughts and judgments.)
If we're not breathing and are tense when someone says or does something, we can pay attention to any negative thoughts we're having and then ask ourselves what we actually do know. In the example above with our late-arriving colleague, we can focus on her actual behavior and say to ourselves, "Hmm, all I know is that she walked into the meeting fifteen minutes late and sighed as she put her things down and took her seat," without adding an unfounded opinion. This encourages us to consider the broader context of the situation and to cut the other person some slack, and at least make up a kinder story. We can then learn more about the situation if we choose, and we will have helped ourselves to stay calm and not make unproductive, and possibly harmful, assumptions.
Questions are turning points, and the questions we ask ourselves about the larger picture, and also about the inner picture within, can greatly enhance our relationships and our success. We can see how being curious and not making assumptions can help us get to the heart of the matter so we can solve the right problems with the best solutions. Here's an example:
Question: "Why is the limestone on the Lincoln Memorial wearing down?"
The answer is: "Because it is power-washed so frequently." As we become more curious and continue to ask more questions,
we may discover interesting information as we continue to ask "Why...?"
"Why is it washed so frequently?" "To wash off all the bird droppings."
"Why are there so many birds?" "Because the birds come to eat the spiders."
"Why are there so many spiders?" "Because there are millions of insects at night."
"Why are there so many insects?" "Because of the bright spotlights at night."
The additional responses would make a difference in how we approach the problem and come up with solutions. Initially we might focus more on the birds, spiders, and insects, and possible solutions using nets, decoy owls, and insecticides, but with additional questions we might then focus on a type of lighting that might attract fewer bugs or a lighting schedule that begins 30 minutes after sunset and ends 30 minutes before sunrise, which was an actual chosen, effective solution.
Action Question: "Who in your life could you learn more about?"
Back to Lincoln's comment about being curious and getting to know a man better, who in your life could you learn more about? Whether at work in a meeting, at home after a busy day, or when talking with friends at a restaurant, do you let comments "dangle," or do you ask questions to deepen the conversation?
Here are some possible questions. See if there are any that fit your conversational style as you talk with others:
"Can you say more about that?"
"What about your trip did you enjoy the most?"
"You look happy. What's happening?"
"You seem concerned. What are you thinking?"
"So, for you, it's important that we do this instead of that. What are your ideas?"
"What exactly would you like to see happen?"
"I can understand your thinking. And I'm thinking there would also be room for..."
By strengthening your curiosity muscles and asking a few questions, you can deepen relationships, realize better outcomes, and avoid harmful assumptions. These are important influencing skills, and they are available to everyone.
The answer is: "Because it is power-washed so frequently." As we become more curious and continue to ask more questions,
we may discover interesting information as we continue to ask "Why...?"
"Why is it washed so frequently?" "To wash off all the bird droppings."
"Why are there so many birds?" "Because the birds come to eat the spiders."
"Why are there so many spiders?" "Because there are millions of insects at night."
"Why are there so many insects?" "Because of the bright spotlights at night."
The additional responses would make a difference in how we approach the problem and come up with solutions. Initially we might focus more on the birds, spiders, and insects, and possible solutions using nets, decoy owls, and insecticides, but with additional questions we might then focus on a type of lighting that might attract fewer bugs or a lighting schedule that begins 30 minutes after sunset and ends 30 minutes before sunrise, which was an actual chosen, effective solution.
Action Question: "Who in your life could you learn more about?"
Back to Lincoln's comment about being curious and getting to know a man better, who in your life could you learn more about? Whether at work in a meeting, at home after a busy day, or when talking with friends at a restaurant, do you let comments "dangle," or do you ask questions to deepen the conversation?
Here are some possible questions. See if there are any that fit your conversational style as you talk with others:
"Can you say more about that?"
"What about your trip did you enjoy the most?"
"You look happy. What's happening?"
"You seem concerned. What are you thinking?"
"So, for you, it's important that we do this instead of that. What are your ideas?"
"What exactly would you like to see happen?"
"I can understand your thinking. And I'm thinking there would also be room for..."
By strengthening your curiosity muscles and asking a few questions, you can deepen relationships, realize better outcomes, and avoid harmful assumptions. These are important influencing skills, and they are available to everyone.
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